Kicking Against the Dome

If you are vaguely familiar with Stephen King's book, Under the Dome, which also became an awful TV series; you know about this idea of a town trapped by a dome. It's impenetrable and cuts the town off from the outside world. Now, I have not gotten to finishing the book, so I don't really know where the dome came from. (Part of the reason for that is I got tired of reading the book, so didn't really care.)

I imagine this is similar to Christian sub-culture. By having Christian schools, bookstores, universities, movies, music, etc, we have created a culture in which we can live out our days and never really get a sense of the real world. Please notice I didn't put the word world in quotes because the effect of this dome is to actually cut ourselves off from the actual, real world. I remember this was something I was becoming sensitive to even as I attended a Christian high school. Some friends and I talked about never being a part of this sub-culture. However, through life events, I find myself having completed about 25 years of teaching, all within Christian education.

Hindsight tells me it stemmed from the bullying I was a victim of during my years in the public system. For me, Christian high school was my escape. It was positive in that the bullying stopped and also positive in that I had some very wise teachers who did not let me shy away from "controversial" subjects such as evolution. In that Christian high school was planted the seeds of the constant questioning that is swirling in my thoughts day and night. I can't get away from it. The downside was that the idea of teaching in the public system scares me to this day, probably because I associate it with being bullied.

Beginning with evolution and the origins of life, I became a follower of Christ who was constantly kicking against the dome. I became open to the fact that the downside of all this "Christian" as an adjective, was that we were cutting ourselves off from becoming part of the world. We have so misused the verse about "not being of the world" that we have created a complete world for ourselves. This world is artificial and not based on reality. It is also a world that is under threat as more and more people wake up to the distortions of truth and misapplications of the Bible that are used to justify scientific ignorance, homophobia, contempt of women, immigrants, and the poor.

(In order to preserve this world and maintain it's power, because, let's face it, the Evangelical Church = the Religious Right = Conservative Political Parties in many Western countries. This is why the "church" is so quick to back  Donald Trump. Truth is secondary to maintaining power. It's a truth in all religious fundamental movements, too.)

Where am I at, personally? I struggle with going to a church that I have lost faith in. Meanwhile, I am becoming stronger in my faith. Sometimes the most stressful part of the week is going to church, so I skip it. It's difficult because my family is so involved in the church that I'm not sure what to say. I think and believe differently than most of my co-workers at the Christian school I work at, even though I believe there are very good things happening. I think and believe differently that my wife and daughters, even though I love them fiercely. What to do with that?

Blessed are the peacemakers. Maybe that's my mantra. I just finished reading Peter Enns' book, The Bible Tells Me So: Why Defending Scripture Has Made Us Unable to Read it. All scripture should be seen through the lens of Jesus' life and teachings. I think that's where I need to start. Begin examining the life and example of someone else who kicked against the dome.

Godsmacked

I'm taking a teachers' course this week on how to write units from a Christian perspective. Now, you may not know this, but writing and organizing a unit under one big question is hard work. It's a lot of thinking and writing collaboratively with your grade level partners that you don't normally have time for during the course of a school year.

Now, I had such high hopes for this course because it said that in the original description that you would have 3 complete units. I, and my colleagues, assumed this would save tons of time come September and have a good chunk of the year planned. I mean, 3 units can take until after Christmas to complete!

Well, as the course progressed, we found that 3 was a very high number and that "complete" meant, according to the instructor, 3 "skeletons" of units because "units are not finished until you  actually teach them. That's when you flesh them out!" Meh. What a rip-off. So the grumpies set in. I became more and more negative as the first two days went by and we were given a total of maybe one hour or so to actually write our units. I was discouraged as the instructor kept repeating and drumming into us the importance of what are called "Through Lines." For  example, one Through Line is called Servant Worker. If a unit was targeting the idea of Servant Worker, then the students would be led through an activity that involved actual service to the community.

Today, I woke up dreading today thinking that what we were to do, a field trip to Granville Island in Vancouver, would be a "time filler" that would keep us away from precious unit writing time. Our assignment  was a bit more interesting than just a way to pass a couple hours. We needed to take pictures of things that represent each Through Line and present them to class. We were broken into groups of 3. Of course we had no choice about who we went with. Teachers do this. I do this. Students hate this. I hated this, too, I realized. My group was two other guys, one I know quite well, one I just met today. Both of them love and know Granville Island well. Both of them were excited about one thing: The Granville Island Brewery.One of the guys had free passes to a tasting tour of the brewery. Now the guy I know already says, "Well, Matt doesn't drink at all." (It's true, I don't. It's for many different reasons, none of which are religious.) I said I'm not offended by it, I just won't drink it. They talk me into it and we're off to the brewery. I'm wondering what I'm getting myself into as I'm being told the beer-making process is quite fascinating in itself (Turns out it is. I know what malt and hops are now. I learned something new!)

We get there and find out that the tour had enough people and already started. The next tour is too late for us to catch our bus back on time, so we can't do the tour. The lady there (I feel sooo guilty for not remembering to ask for her name now) says she'll happily do a tasting session with us, which my two accomplices readily agree to. I go with them, thinking I will just listen and learn. She looks at me and astounds me with what she does next. She offers me a free ice tea or soda (organic, locally made, of course!). That may seem like a "so what" moment to others, but, for me, at that moment, I felt God's grace. She was acting as a Community Builder (yup, that's a Through Line) to me. She was not allowing me to feel left out and including me. I chose the root beer you see in the picture. It was really good. I felt like, "Yes, I do belong here. Right now, this is right."

I was Godsmacked while I was there. Smacked so hard that I suddenly understood, in a deeper and more profound way what these Through Lines mean. I was smacked upside the head by God through an act of generosity at, of all places, a brewery! I guess this course is worth it after all.

"They" Is "Us"

Interesting discussion in staff room the other day: The assertion was made that we should rethink the term "Special Education Student" because "Aren't all students 'special'?" The proposition is that we should eliminate the term in everyday speech, although we would have to keep the term for government funding. Essentially, then, should we just keep the term "on paper"? (If that is even possible, for how can term still exist, but never be spoken? Is it possible to have a word exist only as a term for one purpose, i.e., government funding, but not exist at all outside that purpose?)

What is at the heart of this discussion? We want to embrace inclusion, especially as a Christian community, and reject exclusion, which is anti-Christian by definition. (Then there can rise the whole side discussion, which came up after awhile during this staff room discussion, of how different Christian groups do practice exclusion, i.e., Anabaptist churches not allowing membership to persons only baptized as infants.) We want to embrace the whole and resist the labels that lead to defining some group as "the excluded".

Which brings me to another thought and that is how much I am becoming interested in how we use the word "they" and "them" in everyday discussion. Listen for it. Especially try to determine the assumptions behind the use of the word. As Christians we are told there is no distinction between classes, gender, etc. so we struggle with the use of the word "them" In the same discussion a definite line was drawn between Muslim and Christian, for example. Are those of the Muslim faith to be "them"? Is "they" just our common phrase identifying the Other? Aren't we supposed to embrace and include the Other?

We are told constantly in Christian circles that all are made in the image of God and therefore "we" share a commonality with "they"  "They" is "us" for all purposes.

Cleaning out the Cobwebs

I hate Mondays. I've been up since three, which usually happens to me on Monday mornings. I've been struggling with insomnia since elementary school, so I'm kind of used to it by now.

What happens, is I wake up early and the thoughts of the whole week run through my head. For example, this morning, I was repeatedly singing a song from church in my head, analyzing the latest episode of The Walking Dead, and going over the different things I need to do for school in the coming weeks. Report cards being a big part of that list.

Yesterday, I found that I was unusually alert and a bit restless. Oddly enough, the devotional I read was on Philippians 4:6-7:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Worrying comes naturally to me and, I assume, most people. I've been given lots of nuggets of wisdom on worrying over the years. The one that really stuck with me was from another teacher when I was in Bogota: "Notice how most of what we worry about never happens?"

After all that, I found myself in Mission Sunday in my church and the focus was on the specific area of Guadalajara, Mexico. The speaker was someone I know from my Colombia days, Trever Godard, who is now raising funds for a discipleship centre in that city. As I heard him and thought through what I have done in the past and am doing now, I was amazed at how far I have come. I'm amazed at God's sustaining hand through all the things I worried about. I'm amazed at how he has stayed with me, despite my worrying,which, let's face it, is a problem of faith. Worrying is not believing that God will be there.

After I got home and throughout the morning my restlessness increased, so I began to finally clean my nightstand and battle the dust and cobwebs that had built up over, I'm not kidding, years. I can prove it because in the pile on my nightstand I found two certificates from Abbotsford Christian School for 10 years of service and for 15 years of service. So, this nightstand hasn't been cleaned for at least 5 years. I also tackled the box of articles and books from when I was working on my Master's degree. I stopped when I went back to school. I now realize that I couldn't really do it back then because of my struggles with anxiety and depression.

The idea of going back to finish the degree is now the biggest thing in the back of my mind, as if I need another thing. However, I find that the idea of beginning to comb through the debris and to begin communicating with Trinity Western again not such an overwhelming prospect. It's as if the whole journey of the past 5 years or so has been one of shaking out the cobwebs, clearing out the dust bunnies and learning that no matter what I don't need to be anxious, for Jesus is there.

 

Boundaries and Control

The biggest issues with my struggles to live more peacefully within myself are the ideas of boundaries and control.

Control is the biggie. I noticed when I was on Gabriola Island that I was more relaxed and really liked it. I realized as I went on that the reason I was relaxed was probably that I wasn't trying to control others and my surroundings so much. I just let things be. The advantage of going to the same place for vacation is that you can notice differences in your reactions, I guess. I wasn't concerned with how others did things or if they did them "right." This has given me insight when I've returned to school to recognize when some tension is building inside me. Am I trying to control others or events? I've struggled a bit with this in the past week and I keep reminding myself of what the wise Jesuit said to an initiate: "You are not God. This is not heaven. Don't be an ass." Wiser words I have rarely read about how to live in community!

Boundaries is another issue that I've only just realized. Sometimes I hear about another teacher who is going through a hard time and think that the school isn't handling it "correctly" and I actually waste a lot of time in being angry on their behalf. What a waste! "You are not God. This is not heaven. Don't be an ass." I should be letting this self-made problem go and put them in God's hands through prayer. I should be a listening ear or just assist as the times come up. Look for ways to serve. If they ask advice, volunteer it humbly. I perceive this as a "boundary" issue. I need to stop entering in and being angry on behalf of others and learn to pray and assist.

Hidden in Plain Sight

I'm reading The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything by James Martin, SJ,  during my time here on Gabriola Island. I'm finding the books to be inspiring and reminding me that God communicates with us through our everyday experiences. I have the rental house to myself today and I've spent it walking and taking some pictures. Each one represents an encounter, a time when I felt an inward peace. God making me remember that this is a time of rest after such a challenging school year. God chooses to regularly speak to us through events, people, places. Times when we feel joy or even sadness. There seems to be more going on as we encounter joy in the little things. "In such uncommon longings, hidden in plain sight in our lives, does God call us."

I took a walk and I found these flowers, that look like small bells and I'm just fascinated by how they look. I am attracted to them just because I'm in a different place. Have I never bother to notice these flowers in Abbotsford? I don't know. I'm just enjoying them NOW. I used to be frantic about how time passed and could get quite depressed thinking that what is NOW is only a memory soon. Soon I will be home and not able to touch, smell or see these flowers or live this moment. That view of time drove me to depression. I would lose the wonder of the NOW because I knew it would soon be PAST. It's very hard to explain, but I think writers like Martin and others would lead me to realize that the accumulation of joyful times is only adding to my faith in God. Indeed, the sum total of all of these moments are deepening my understanding of God who is always NOW: "I AM".

I was on the deck reading quietly and a deer came quietly through the grass and began nibbling away only a few meters from where I was sitting. I stopped reading and enjoyed the moment and knew God was telling me to just "Be still and know that I am God." It's OK that this will be PAST. It is only adding to my understanding and bringing me closer to Someone who is never PAST. Interestingly, as I am finishing writing this, the whole family came up from the beach right up to the backyard where the one was before. Now it is two adults and one spotted fawn. I wasn't quick enough with the camera, but you'll just have to take my word for it that the trio was there.

Not alone in this after all...

As I've come to the end of another school year, I've realized that I'm not alone in this struggle. As personal issues came more and more overwhelming, I realized that I absolutely had to depend not only on God, but on those that God has placed in my life. I'm in the process of thinking about writing thank you notes to those who helped me throughout the school year. I'm not one to give gifts to so many usually, but so many have supported me in so many ways. I've seen with fresh eyes what it means to be a part of the Body of Christ. The verse I think I'll refer to in each card is Romans 12: 5 ~ "Each part gets its meaning from the whole, not the other way around." (MSG). 

Where I have been...

I doubt if I have very faithful readers, but you'll notice a humongous gap between this post and my last post. It's coming to the end of a very interesting school year and I think I will begin posting again to just sort of work out my thoughts and feelings.

I'm struggling with what to reveal on such a public forum, so I'll keep it simple now to try to get myself started. I had a lot of personal issues to deal with this year that made me realize how important my faith in God was, how important my family is to me and how important it is to have a community around me to get me through the day to day. It's very difficult to admit that you can't do life alone and that you are dependent on others, but I believe this was the big reveal for me in this past year.

I will try to write more regularly because summer is coming and I believe it will be vital for me to reflect in writing some of the thoughts and feelings I have. I will end this short post with the poem/prayer that really helped me through this year. I keep this posted above my desk at school and I've read and reread it many times.

PATIENT TRUST

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.

We are quite naturally impatient in everything

to reach the end without delay.

We would like to skip the intermediate stages.

we are impatient of being on the way to something

unknown, something new.

And yet, it is the law of all progress

that it is made by passing through

some stages of instability--

and that it may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you;

your ideas mature gradually--let them grow,

let them shape themselves, without undue haste.

Don't try to force them on,

as though you could be today what time,

(that is to say, grace) and circumstances

acting on your own good will

will make of you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit

gradually forming in you will be.

Give our Lord the benefit of believing

that his hand is leading you,

and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself

in suspense and incomplete.

by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, SJ

from Hearts on Fire: Praying with the Jesuits