Cleaning out the Cobwebs

I hate Mondays. I've been up since three, which usually happens to me on Monday mornings. I've been struggling with insomnia since elementary school, so I'm kind of used to it by now.

What happens, is I wake up early and the thoughts of the whole week run through my head. For example, this morning, I was repeatedly singing a song from church in my head, analyzing the latest episode of The Walking Dead, and going over the different things I need to do for school in the coming weeks. Report cards being a big part of that list.

Yesterday, I found that I was unusually alert and a bit restless. Oddly enough, the devotional I read was on Philippians 4:6-7:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Worrying comes naturally to me and, I assume, most people. I've been given lots of nuggets of wisdom on worrying over the years. The one that really stuck with me was from another teacher when I was in Bogota: "Notice how most of what we worry about never happens?"

After all that, I found myself in Mission Sunday in my church and the focus was on the specific area of Guadalajara, Mexico. The speaker was someone I know from my Colombia days, Trever Godard, who is now raising funds for a discipleship centre in that city. As I heard him and thought through what I have done in the past and am doing now, I was amazed at how far I have come. I'm amazed at God's sustaining hand through all the things I worried about. I'm amazed at how he has stayed with me, despite my worrying,which, let's face it, is a problem of faith. Worrying is not believing that God will be there.

After I got home and throughout the morning my restlessness increased, so I began to finally clean my nightstand and battle the dust and cobwebs that had built up over, I'm not kidding, years. I can prove it because in the pile on my nightstand I found two certificates from Abbotsford Christian School for 10 years of service and for 15 years of service. So, this nightstand hasn't been cleaned for at least 5 years. I also tackled the box of articles and books from when I was working on my Master's degree. I stopped when I went back to school. I now realize that I couldn't really do it back then because of my struggles with anxiety and depression.

The idea of going back to finish the degree is now the biggest thing in the back of my mind, as if I need another thing. However, I find that the idea of beginning to comb through the debris and to begin communicating with Trinity Western again not such an overwhelming prospect. It's as if the whole journey of the past 5 years or so has been one of shaking out the cobwebs, clearing out the dust bunnies and learning that no matter what I don't need to be anxious, for Jesus is there.

 

Boundaries and Control

The biggest issues with my struggles to live more peacefully within myself are the ideas of boundaries and control.

Control is the biggie. I noticed when I was on Gabriola Island that I was more relaxed and really liked it. I realized as I went on that the reason I was relaxed was probably that I wasn't trying to control others and my surroundings so much. I just let things be. The advantage of going to the same place for vacation is that you can notice differences in your reactions, I guess. I wasn't concerned with how others did things or if they did them "right." This has given me insight when I've returned to school to recognize when some tension is building inside me. Am I trying to control others or events? I've struggled a bit with this in the past week and I keep reminding myself of what the wise Jesuit said to an initiate: "You are not God. This is not heaven. Don't be an ass." Wiser words I have rarely read about how to live in community!

Boundaries is another issue that I've only just realized. Sometimes I hear about another teacher who is going through a hard time and think that the school isn't handling it "correctly" and I actually waste a lot of time in being angry on their behalf. What a waste! "You are not God. This is not heaven. Don't be an ass." I should be letting this self-made problem go and put them in God's hands through prayer. I should be a listening ear or just assist as the times come up. Look for ways to serve. If they ask advice, volunteer it humbly. I perceive this as a "boundary" issue. I need to stop entering in and being angry on behalf of others and learn to pray and assist.

Hidden in Plain Sight

I'm reading The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything by James Martin, SJ,  during my time here on Gabriola Island. I'm finding the books to be inspiring and reminding me that God communicates with us through our everyday experiences. I have the rental house to myself today and I've spent it walking and taking some pictures. Each one represents an encounter, a time when I felt an inward peace. God making me remember that this is a time of rest after such a challenging school year. God chooses to regularly speak to us through events, people, places. Times when we feel joy or even sadness. There seems to be more going on as we encounter joy in the little things. "In such uncommon longings, hidden in plain sight in our lives, does God call us."

I took a walk and I found these flowers, that look like small bells and I'm just fascinated by how they look. I am attracted to them just because I'm in a different place. Have I never bother to notice these flowers in Abbotsford? I don't know. I'm just enjoying them NOW. I used to be frantic about how time passed and could get quite depressed thinking that what is NOW is only a memory soon. Soon I will be home and not able to touch, smell or see these flowers or live this moment. That view of time drove me to depression. I would lose the wonder of the NOW because I knew it would soon be PAST. It's very hard to explain, but I think writers like Martin and others would lead me to realize that the accumulation of joyful times is only adding to my faith in God. Indeed, the sum total of all of these moments are deepening my understanding of God who is always NOW: "I AM".

I was on the deck reading quietly and a deer came quietly through the grass and began nibbling away only a few meters from where I was sitting. I stopped reading and enjoyed the moment and knew God was telling me to just "Be still and know that I am God." It's OK that this will be PAST. It is only adding to my understanding and bringing me closer to Someone who is never PAST. Interestingly, as I am finishing writing this, the whole family came up from the beach right up to the backyard where the one was before. Now it is two adults and one spotted fawn. I wasn't quick enough with the camera, but you'll just have to take my word for it that the trio was there.

Not alone in this after all...

As I've come to the end of another school year, I've realized that I'm not alone in this struggle. As personal issues came more and more overwhelming, I realized that I absolutely had to depend not only on God, but on those that God has placed in my life. I'm in the process of thinking about writing thank you notes to those who helped me throughout the school year. I'm not one to give gifts to so many usually, but so many have supported me in so many ways. I've seen with fresh eyes what it means to be a part of the Body of Christ. The verse I think I'll refer to in each card is Romans 12: 5 ~ "Each part gets its meaning from the whole, not the other way around." (MSG). 

Where I have been...

I doubt if I have very faithful readers, but you'll notice a humongous gap between this post and my last post. It's coming to the end of a very interesting school year and I think I will begin posting again to just sort of work out my thoughts and feelings.

I'm struggling with what to reveal on such a public forum, so I'll keep it simple now to try to get myself started. I had a lot of personal issues to deal with this year that made me realize how important my faith in God was, how important my family is to me and how important it is to have a community around me to get me through the day to day. It's very difficult to admit that you can't do life alone and that you are dependent on others, but I believe this was the big reveal for me in this past year.

I will try to write more regularly because summer is coming and I believe it will be vital for me to reflect in writing some of the thoughts and feelings I have. I will end this short post with the poem/prayer that really helped me through this year. I keep this posted above my desk at school and I've read and reread it many times.

PATIENT TRUST

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.

We are quite naturally impatient in everything

to reach the end without delay.

We would like to skip the intermediate stages.

we are impatient of being on the way to something

unknown, something new.

And yet, it is the law of all progress

that it is made by passing through

some stages of instability--

and that it may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you;

your ideas mature gradually--let them grow,

let them shape themselves, without undue haste.

Don't try to force them on,

as though you could be today what time,

(that is to say, grace) and circumstances

acting on your own good will

will make of you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit

gradually forming in you will be.

Give our Lord the benefit of believing

that his hand is leading you,

and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself

in suspense and incomplete.

by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, SJ

from Hearts on Fire: Praying with the Jesuits